Genesis 24-25: Virgin Territory (Season 1, Episode 10)

What happens when Abraham tries to find a wife for his son? A hungover getaway with a kidnapped bride, a zombie assault on a funeral and Quasimodo falls in love with Simba’s daughter.

This is the latest episode in a serialised narrative. If jumping into things mid-way doesn’t bother you, ignore this and keep reading. If you like to start from the beginning, check out the archive here.


If you are a creationist, evangelist, fundamentalist, or biblical literalist, this will probably offend you.

If you have any sense of propriety, this will probably offend you.

If you have the capacity to be offended, this will probably do the trick.

If you're okay with that, then read on.

If you want to read on just so you can tell me how terrible I am and that I should never write another word ever again, feel free.

Who knows? It might actually work.

Eli’s been on the road a while.

The big, dopey bastard’s riding an even bigger, dopier camel, and they’re making their way east, to Haran.

There, he’s promised Abe that he’ll find a wife for his undead son, Ike. But it has to be someone that’s related to him – that way, Ike will smell his own blood in her veins and hopefully, decide not to eat her alive on the spot.


He did maul his own mother to death and then straight away try to kill his dad, so there’s really no reason to believe it’ll work, other than God saying that once Ike’s consummated the marriage, he should calm down and stop trying to kill everything.

Fingers crossed.

Eventually, Eli arrives in Haran and gives his camel a drink at the well. It’s evening, so all the women of the town are coming out to draw their water. Looking around, he realises he has no fucking idea how to tell which one is related to Abe.

So he does the only thing he can do.

He walks through the crowd, being like, “Are you related to Nahor?”, “Are you related to Nahor?”, “Are you related to Nahor?”

(Nahor being Abe’s brother and therefore, Ike’s uncle.)

Now, it helps to picture all these women as being from the Jersey Shore, so as he moves through the crowd, they’re all like, “No,” “Eww,” “Gross,” “Fuck off,” “Fuck off, you creep,” “Fuck off and die,” or otherwise just flat-out ignore him.

Eventually, Eli gets frustrated and goes up to a nearby hill, cupping his hands around his mouth and calling out in a booming voice, “Is anyone here related to Nahor?”

A torrent of abuse is hurled up at him – abuse implying he has sex with guys and animals and little kids, as well as a few things he’s never heard before that truly shock him.

When it all dies down, Eli’s about to give up hope.

Then he sees a single woman with her hand raised.

He rushes down to talk to her, wading through the sea of women who shove him and hurl insults at him – not a real enlightened crowd, the Haranites. The woman with her hand raised says her name’s Rebekah (but we’ll just call her Becca), and that she’s Nahor’s great-granddaughter (so Ike’s third cousin, twice removed, or...something).

Eli breathes a sigh of relief. He says he’s Abe’s servant and that he’s come all the way from Canaan. Becca invites him back to her place.

After he stows his camel in her family stable (not a euphemism), Eli goes inside to meet the parents. But before he gets there, Becca’s douchebag older brother, Laban, cuts him off.

“You wanna fuck my sister?” he says.

Laban’s the kind of guy who never moved out of home, but still acts tough – like it was his choice not to leave.

“No, sir,” says Eli. “I’m just trying to find a wife for my master’s son.”

“You better not be trying to fuck my sister, man. If anyone’s gonna fuck my sister, it’s gonna be me.”

Eli’s not quite sure how to respond to that, but Laban goes on, “I catch you trying to fuck my sister, I’ll cut your cock and balls off and shove ‘em down my throat.”

Another confused reaction from Eli. “Aren’t you supposed to shove them down my throat?”

But Laban gets all up in his grill, like, “Yeah, that’s what you’d expect, wouldn’t you? But I don’t roll that way, man. I’m all about subverting expectations and fucking with the system.”

“Alright...” says Eli. “That’, I guess.”

“Yeah, it is cool. It’s really cool. I don’t pander to the masses, man. I say what I want, when I want, and society just has to sit there and deal with it.”

Laban’s about an inch from his face now, staring him down like Eli’s actually arguing with him.

Finally, he’s like, “I’m watching you, buddy.” Then he does that thing where you point two fingers at your own eyes, then those same fingers at whoever it is you’re looking at, just in case they’re deaf.

Then he goes inside.

Eli takes a moment to process the confrontation, then follows him in.

Ten minutes later, they’re all sitting around the table and Eli’s making his sales pitch. Kind of like a biblical Don Draper, but bigger, dumber, less charming.

“So he’s not...dead, exactly, but...not alive, really, either. But, y’know, he’s got a lot of goats. Sheep and stuff. And tents. Man, they’ve got, to, to spare, y’know?”

Needless to say, Becca’s dad, Bethuel (Huell, for short), isn’t sold on the idea.

Eli’s a Canaanite, after all.

And, as Huell says, “Canaanites are fucking animals. Why should I trust you?”

“Well, sir...I might be a Canaanite, but my master’s your uncle. Surely, you can trust him.”

Huell stares at Eli for a long moment.

“You wanna fuck my daughter?” he says.

“No, sir.”

“Good. ‘Cause if anyone’s gonna fuck my daughter, it’s gonna be me. Or Laban.”

Laban nods, like, “Damn right” – like this is just some unspoken agreement between them.

The whole time, Becca’s mom is just eating, sipping her wine. Eli gets the impression that this kind of shit happens all the time, and she’s either blocking it out or she’s just gotten used to it. If this were the modern day, she’d be drinking white wine and popping Xanax like Skittles.

Eli shifts uncomfortably in his chair. He goes, “Look, I got no interest in your daughter, sir. I’m just a delivery boy.”

Huell and Laban continue to glare at him.

“I got money,” Eli says.

Huell raises an eyebrow. “How much?”

Next thing you know, Eli’s emptying out a pouch of silver and Huell and Laban’s eyes light up. They clamber up onto the table, crouching there, counting it out like a couple of Sméagols.

Becca goes to take a piece of silver, but Laban hisses and slaps her hand away.

Becca’s mom continues to eat and sip her wine, blocking out the world.

Finally, Huell looks up at Eli and smiles. “I think we can come to an arrangement,” he says.

So they break out the good wine and celebrate.

They celebrate so hard that at one point, Laban’s standing naked against a wall with an apple on his head, while Huell prepares to throw a knife at it. He’s completely hammered, swaying on the spot. Laban’s in a similar state.

“Do it, you fucking pussy,” Laban says, slurring the absolute shit out of his words.

Eli’s sitting off to the side with Becca, and they’re passing a jug of wine between them. At one point, she puts her hand on his leg and he looks over at her with an eyebrow raised, but then Huell throws the knife and misses the apple by a mile.

Hits Laban right in the stomach.

Laban groans and goes down.

“Oh, shit...” Eli says, and rushes over to help him.

Huell just laughs, then goes to wake his poor wife up. When she sees her son lying there with a knife in his belly, she sighs, like, “Not again,” and proceeds to patch him up.

Huell’s too drunk to do anything except continue drinking, so he just sits there, calling his son a pussy and criticising his wife’s first-aid skills, despite the fact that she’s literally saving the kid’s life.

Meanwhile, Eli says he’s got a big journey ahead of him, so he staggers off to bed, Becca showing him the way.

He wakes up in the morning with Becca draped across him and freaks out.

“Oh, shit,” he says, but the second he sits up, the hangover hits him. He holds his head, groaning, thinking, “What did I do last night?”

Becca rolls over and she’s like, “Mornin’, handsome.”

He tells her to be quiet and they get dressed, then creep out into the living room.

Clay jugs are scattered and broken everywhere. Huell’s passed out naked on the floor, Laban on the table – his stitches looking infected as fuck.

Clearly, a stab-wound didn’t put an end to the night.

Eli and Becca tip-toe across the room, steal some supplies, and are about to leave the house when they see a woman standing ominously in the doorway like an axe murderer.

Eli jumps in fright, like, “Jesus Christ!”, but Becca’s like, “Don’t worry, she’s just the nurse.”

The woman who Becca lovingly describes as ‘just the nurse’ is Deborah (or Debbie, for short), and she’s not a nurse like we’d think of a nurse today. She was basically a maid who breastfed Becca as a baby because her mom either couldn’t or didn’t want to, or was just too consistently drunk.

The three of them head out to the stable, load up Eli’s camel, steal another two camels for Becca and Debbie, then hightail it out of there, heading west, back to Canaan.

Eli’s not only afraid of Huell and Laban discovering that he stole two of their camels...

Or that he inadvertently had sex with Becca...

Or that he left without saying goodbye...

It’s more that the silver he gave them was counterfeit.

Hopefully, that wouldn’t come back to bite him or any of Abe’s descendants in the ass.

(Don’t worry, it will.)

The journey back is a long one, and against Eli’s better judgement, he and Becca bang a few more times. Debbie even joins in on one occasion. He knows he’s supposed to be delivering Ike a virgin bride, but surely the kid won’t notice – he is a zombie, after all.

And since Eli’s done it once, he figures a few more times won’t hurt. It was the first one he shouldn’t have done, but now that he did, he might as well keep going. Becca’s certainly up for it, and now that Sarah’s dead, it looks like he’ll be stuck with his hand for a while. Unless, of course, Debbie’s interested, which she seems to be.

Real romantic, that Eli.

Finally, they arrive back at Abe’s camp, where surprisingly, Ike’s no longer in the cage. Abe’s throwing chunks of meat and the kid’s running out on all-fours to get them, then running back to crouch patiently in front of his dad.

Abe makes him sit, roll over, gives him a scratch behind the ears and calls him a good boy, then throws another chunk of meat and Ike bolts after it.

Since Eli’s been gone, Abe’s got the kid at least partially-trained. He salvaged a few mutilated bodies from the tavern after Ike fell asleep, which he now uses to coax the kid back into his cage and make him do tricks.

So, as Eli and Becca and Debbie roll in to camp and dismount, Ike runs over to them.

In a warning tone like you’d use with a dog, Abe says, “Ike...

The kid cowers a little, then shuffles cautiously over to the newcomers and sniffs at them.

“It’s alright,” Abe says. “He just takes a little while to get used to new people.”

Ike growls at Eli and Debbie, and Abe’s smacks him on the nose, saying, “No! We don’t growl at people.”

The kid stops growling and moves on to Becca, sniffing her. Immediately, his face softens. He doesn’t growl.

“Oh, he’s adorable,” Becca says, leaning down to pat him. “Yes, you are. Yes, you are.”

Ike closes his eyes, enjoying the pat. He then grabs Becca’s hand and leads her away.

Becca laughs. “Oh, my goodness. You’re very forward.”

Abe laughs too. He’s like, “You crazy kids. Go have fun.”

Ike leads Becca into one of the tents and they proceed to, as his dad put it, have fun.

The tent actually belonged to his dead mother, so out of all the tents, I’m not sure why he chose that one. Kind of fucked up, if you think about it, especially since he’s the one that killed her and has got a perfectly good tent of his own.

Soon enough, Kitty calls out from where she’s standing by Abe’s tent, asking if he’s coming or not.

Abe’s like, “Oh, yeah, right. She’s ovulating.”

“Ovulating?” Eli says. “You’re almost 200 years old.”

“Yeah, but Kitty’s almost 32. Her biological clock’s ticking.”

As Abe shuffles over to fuck the woman young enough to be his great-great-great-great granddaughter, Eli’s thinking not only about how messed up that is, but also how quickly he’s moved on after the death of his wife.

Anyway, pretty soon, both tents are shaking, and Eli and Debbie are standing there awkwardly by their camels.

They look at each other, shrug, and start making out, because why the fuck not?

Time passes.

Ike and Becca continue to fuck.

Abe and Kitty continue to fuck.

Eli and Debbie continue to fuck.

And when they get bored of that, they swap partners and even push the tents together to have a six-way.

Eventually, it proves to be too much for poor old Abe to handle. He has a heart attack during one such orgy and dies at the ripe old age of 175, in the exact same way his dad did.

Both of them doing what they loved.

The next day, Ike, Becca, Kitty, Eli and Debbie take his body to the cave where Sarah’s buried.

They even send word to Ishmael, who meets them at the cave to pay his respects. Ishmael’s a full-grown man now, and a hardened desert warrior. He can shoot a bird out of the air at full gallop and fight thirty men armed with human femurs.

Sorry, that’s ‘fight thirty men armed with nothing buta human femur.’

Either way, it’s impressive.

I want you to picture a cross between Braveheart and Mad Max when you picture Ishmael.

So...Mel Gibson in his prime, basically. But brown-skinned and black-haired, because this is the ancient Middle East, not Hollywood.

Ishmael glares at Ike.

Initially, Eli thinks it’s because Abe chose the son he had with Sarah, while Ishmael and his mother were cast out into the desert to die.

And while that might have something to do with it, it’s mostly because he’s a zombie.

As it turns out, Ishmael’s mother had recently been killed by a zombie.

Well, she’d been bitten by a zombie.

Ishmael was the one who actually killed her. He had to.

Tried a bunch of different ways, too – before he figured out you have to cut their heads off. He stabbed her, beat her, burned her, drowned her, stoned her, staked her, crucified her. He cut her in half, but she crawled towards him like the Terminator. So finally, he cut her head off, and that seemed to do the trick.

Not sure how you get to crucifixion before beheading, but anyway...

Now, Ishmael’s glaring at his brother, Ike, thinking he might have something to do with how this whole zombie plague started. Ike, for his part, doesn’t even seem to recognise Ishmael. He’s just sniffing at their dad’s body, considering a quick, pre-funeral snack and wondering if anyone would mind.

But Abe isn’t getting any less decomposed, so all six of them head into the cave to lay his body down beside Sarah’s.

Only thing is...Sarah isn’t in there.

When they come out again, there’s a zombie standing at the entrance to the cave. Kitty’s the only one who recognises him.

It’s Ron.

Only he isn’t called Ron anymore.

He’s motherfucking Roy now.

Grey-skinned and white-eyed, but also looking like the human version of one of those scratching posts you give to cats. Clearly, he got his ass handed to him in that tavern brawl with Ike.

“Where’s Sarah?” Eli says.

But Roy says nothing...because he’s a zombie.

Two seconds later, Sarah walks into view.

Only she isn’t called Sarah anymore.

She’s Susan now.


Because she’s a motherfucking zombie, too!

Her throat’s been ripped out and her stomach’s sliced open and totally hollow, yet somehow she’s still walking.

“Jesus Christ...” Eli says. “Sarah...”

Then, about a dozen other zombies come to stand behind Roy and Susan, all with minor variations on their human names.

Needless to say, some serious shit’s about to go down.

“Take the others and get out of here,” Ishmael says to Eli. “I’ll deal with these guys.”

“There’s too many,” Eli says. “You can’t beat all of them.”

Ishmael just gives him a look, like, “Can’t I?”

Then he draws two swords and charges at the zombies. They lunge at him, but he ducks and spins and dodges, swinging the swords and taking heads off in a blur.

Eli hustles the others away, back towards the wagon.

Roy and Susan get away from Ishmael and run after them.

Eli looks back, sees them coming. “Run!” he shouts. “Run!”

But Susan jumps onto Eli and sinks her teeth into the back of his neck, like a vampire bat – or a Vampire Zombie™ bat (see below).

Eli screams, and staggers for a few more steps before dropping to the ground with a thud.

Debbie turns, just in time to see Roy diving at her. He grabs her neck in his teeth and shakes her like a dog with a chew toy until she goes limp.

Just as this is happening, Susan leaves Eli’s corpse and latches onto Kitty, dragging her to the ground like a lion with a sick antelope, chomping down on her windpipe.

They always seem to go for the neck, huh?

I guess these are, like, vampire zombies.

Holy shit...

Did I just create a new genre?

Don’t even think about stealing it – I’m trademarking ‘vampire zombies’ right now.

Like, as we speak.


There it is. Done.

I now own Vampire Zombies™ as a concept.

Go on, I dare you to write a Vampire Zombie™ novel. I dare you.

Oh, shit...what about werewolf zombies?

Man, I’ve got so many good ideas to trademark.

I’m even going to go back and edit the mention of vampire zombies above to include the little trademark logo. Which...I guess means that in the finished version, it’ll play like a punchline-before-the-setup kind of joke.

Wait, is that even a thing? Would it work?

You know what, I’ll sort it out later.

Or...maybe I won’t.

Probably shouldn’t be typing this in the main document. Might be a good idea to create a separate document for notes and then people won’t have to read my stream-of consciousness tangents.

Okay, checklist for today:

  1. Learn comedy. See if punchlines have to come after setups.

  2. We’re running low on milk. Get some.

  3. And Doritos.

Goddamn it! Is this still The New Old Testament doc? I’ll edit that out later.

Now, where were we...?

Oh, yeah.

So, Ike and Becca are the only ones who make it back to the wagon. They’ve just started moving when Becca sees Susan running at them, full-speed.

Ike...” she says, panic in her voice. “Ike!”

Just as Susan leaps into the air, an arrow bursts out through her forehead and she goes down.

Behind her, Ishmael stands there, lowering his bow like a fucking boss.

Cue cool music.

He runs forward (with/without slow-motion – either way) and cuts Susan’s head off before she comes back to life.

“Get outta here!” Ishmael says, and Becca whips the donkey into action.

Ike looks back at his brother as they trundle off, seeming for the first time to recognise him. Ishmael stares back, and the two share a quiet moment before the Old Testament Road Warrior/Scottish Highlander continues lopping heads.

Once he’s killed them all, he walks over to Eli, who’s choking on his own blood, gurgling. It sounds like he’s trying to say, “Help me...”

But Ishmael can’t take that chance.

He knows there’s no coming back for this guy, so he cuts his fucking head clean off.

No hesitation. No regret.

Because that’s what a hero does. He gets the job done even when it’s not glamorous or glorious. Even when it’s dark and gritty, and the lines are blurred between hero and villain. Even when he can clearly see that Ike’s been mostly rehabilitated and doesn’t seem to pose a danger to society anymore – so therefore, the same might be possible with Eli.

But that’s not cinematic enough.

That requires time and patience, and Ishmael doesn’t have the time or the patience. It’s easier to just kill him and get it over with, so that’s what Ishmael does. He does it, not because it’s the right thing to do, but because he’s lazy, and it looks heroic, and maybe, just maybe, he kind of likes killing people. He likes the rush it gives him. He likes the stories he can tell later on to score free drinks and get laid. He likes hiding behind the mask of ‘anti-hero’ because it makes him seem complex and brooding and morally-grey, when really, he just can’t be bothered going through the process of rehabilitating poor, old Eli, because rehabilitation doesn’t drop panties.

Murder drops panties.

Ishmael proceeds to behead Kitty and Debbie in the same ruthless fashion, as they, too, beg for their lives.

“No! No!”


“No! Please...”


Suddenly, everything’s quiet.

Ishmael stands over a dozen headless zombies, breathing hard. He looks up at the wagon receding into the distance, and smiles. Then he walks off in the other direction like a total fucking badass.

Don’t worry – we’ll get back to Ishmael.

Meanwhile, Ike and Becca travel back to camp and do what all young couples do after their loved ones have been mauled to death by zombies and had their heads cut off.

They fuck to replace them.

They fuck, and fuck, and fuck again.

They continue to fuck until they realise Becca’s just about as barren as her mother-in-law was.

Now, in the midst of all this fucking, Ike’s recovered the ability to speak, and he’s told her about God and everything, so she prays to God, being like, “Dude, you better let me get pregnant, or else...”

So, God comes down and he’s like, “Or else what?”

And she’s like, “Holy shit, you are real. Never mind that, I was just testing you. But seriously, man – are you gonna let me have a kid or what?”

And he’s like, “Yeah, I guess.”

So, he snaps his fingers and, suddenly, she’s not barren anymore.

Nine months later, she’s giving birth to twins. But it wasn’t an easy pregnancy.

No, sir.

Those fetuses fought each other like her womb was a goddamn MMA cage – just constantly going at it.

So she calls out to God again, like, “Seriously, man, what’s wrong with these fucking kids?”

I should note that God had been smoking weed with his on-again, off-again boyfriend Enoch, so when he comes down this time, he’s pretty baked.

He goes, “Two nations are in your womb, and two peoples born of you shall be divided. The one shall be stronger than the other, and the elder shall serve the younger.”

And Becca’s like, “What in the effing fuck does that mean?”, but God just coughs, and takes another hit from his joint.

Then he just kind of wanders off, and Becca’s left sitting there, even more confused than before.

Finally, the big day arrives. The happy couple are very excited to welcome their beautiful children into the world.

Well...more eager to get it over with than anything else.

Becca’s about two weeks overdue, so she’s starting to get really fucking uncomfortable. Ike’s been having an even tougher time, because he’s had to block all of that out.

Now, there’s no doctors or midwives around, so the job of actually delivering the kids falls on their undead father (Zombie Dad™).

Ike crouches down like a baseball catcher in front of Becca’s splayed-out legs, only without the mitt or the mask. He’s not quite sure what to expect, but it’s certainly not what happens next.

As the kid begins to crown, Ike tilts his head, confused.

Slowly, it emerges...

I say ‘it’ because, at this point, Ike’s not even sure if this thing is human.

It’s all red and slimy and covered in hair.

Meanwhile, Ike’s gone white as a ghost. He vomits right there in front of his birthing wife, recovering just in time to take hold of his freakish, alien offspring.

He holds it up and vomits again, this time all over the kid.

Picture a tiny, red, hairy, slimy Quasimodo, and that’s pretty much what Ike’s looking at – all deformed and mangled, making these awful rasping, gargling sounds.

Not that Ike’s an oil painting himself – he is a zombie, after all – but the kid’s really pushing it.

Then Becca starts pushing again, and Ike remembers there’s still another one to go.

“Oh, Jesus...” he says, and holds Quasimodo in one hand, ready to catch his presumably-identical twin brother in the other.

The second kid’s got a tight grip on Quasimodo’s heel, like they were in the middle of a fight when Quasimodo was suddenly sucked out of the cage and the second kid was like, “Not so fast...”

But the hand doesn’t look too bad.

In fact, as the second kid emerges, Ike’s pleasantly surprised.

He’s not red or hairy or deformed in any way. He’s just a normal-looking kid. A little pale, but that’s alright.

“Oh, thank God...” Ike says, breathing a sigh of relief.

But then he notices that the kid’s really pale.

As he lifts him up to get a look at his face, the kid looks back at him with demonic red eyes.

“Jesus Christ!” Ike says, almost dropping the kid.

As they’ll eventually discover, the kid has a very rare condition known as albinism, meaning the pigment in the skin that allows people to get a tan (melanin) – his body doesn’t produce it. That goes for his hair, too. Everything’s ghost-white, except his eyes.

And in a world where everyone he’s likely to meet is either olive-skinned or darker, the poor kid’s gonna stick out like a sore thumb.

Ike lays both of them down on blankets and swaddles them up.

Becca’s just lying there, exhausted. She can’t see the kids yet, and Ike wonders which one he should give her first.

Either one is likely to give her a heart attack.

He figures the albino’s more normal-looking, so he’ll use that kid as a chaser – give her Quasimodo first and get it over with.

Becca’s eyes are half-closed, but when she sees the thing that’s just come out of her womb, they snap wide open.

Like her husband, Becca’s immediate response is to projectile-vomit all over the kid.

In time, however, they come to accept the ugly, little bastard. Mainly, because he’s a good hunter and brings them food.

They call him Esau (pronounced ee-saw), which presumably means Quasimodo in Hebrew.

The albino, they call Jacob (but we’ll call him Jake), and despite his condition, he’s younger, better looking. He’s got a name that rolls off the tongue a little easier.

Esau’s all hunch-backed and hairy and looking like he’s just had skin grafts after a fire. But eventually, he learns how to hunt, and that’s where he really shines. It helps that he can blend in with the animals and then hunt them from within the group like Leo in The Departed.

It gets hard, though.

Sometimes, he makes friends with the animals. Sometimes, he falls in love. Then, when it comes time to betray them, he can’t bring himself to pull the trigger.

The last time that really fucked with him was when he infiltrated a pride of lions. The Simba of the group (Lion King II-era Simba) took him under his wing. Esau fell in love with his daughter, Kiara, and was all set to become the future leader of the pride.

Then, he got hungry.

He killed Simba in his sleep and Kiara found him the next morning beside the open carcass of her dad. Esau was covered in blood, just ripping chunks of meat off his ribcage and eating them raw.

When they saw each other, Esau was like, “’s not what it looks like.”

But it was totally what it looked like.

He still thought about her from time to time, and wondered if she’d ever forgive him. Occasionally, he’d see her out wandering the plains, and she’d see him.

They’d linger there for a moment, just staring at each other.

Then she’d turn, and run away.

After that, Esau learned to detach himself from the work, and stopped getting involved with his targets. Pretty soon, he was a master hunter, despite only having one arm that actually worked. The other one was all shrivelled and just kind of dangled uselessly from his shoulder.

But, like all kids with an inferiority complex, he was motivated to be better than his brother, to prove himself.

So, he succeeded where Jake couldn’t.

See, Jake’s not really an outdoors kind of guy. He likes staying in the tent, writing Gilgamesh fan fiction and generally staying away from the sun. When he does go out, he covers himself up from head to foot and takes a lot of shit from his brother for it.

As the kids grow up, Esau’s hunting skills earn him the approval of his dad, while Jake is most definitely a momma’s boy.

To bring things unnecessarily full-circle, Esau is the Cain of this story. Jake is the Abel.

Anyway, one evening, Esau comes in from a long day in the field and he’s starving, right? As you would be. Jake’s inside (of course), and he’s cooking up a stew. Been watching Jamie Oliver’s 30-Minute Meals and now he’s thinking he’s some kind of chef.

So Esau hobbles in, one leg shorter than the other, and he’s like, “That shit ready yet?”

Jake’s like, “Easy, man, it will be. Have a drink.”

So, Esau has a drink and puts his feet up.

When the food’s ready, Jake ladles out a few bowls and holds one out to Esau. Esau goes to grab it, but Jake pulls it back, saying, “First, you gotta sell me your birthright.”

Esau frowns, glaring at him.

As we’ll see from here on out, Jake’s one devious motherfucker.

He knows that Esau’s the older brother. Knows he’s Ike’s favourite. Knows he’s going to inherit everything when Ike dies, and Jake won’t have a pot to piss in.

But Jake also knows what Esau’s kryptonite is.

The guy’s a fucking animal. A slave to his appetites. Not the sharpest tool in the shed and not a lot of foresight going on there, either.

Esau’s like the Incredible Hulk, going, “Esau hungry, Esau eat.”

Jake, on the other hand...he’s playing the long game.

He’s also had it up to here with Esau giving him shit for his pigment deficiency, and he wants that self-righteous motherfucker to pay.

So Esau says, “Fine, whatever, just give me that bowl.”

So Jake hands the stew over and Esau goes to town on it.

The whole time, Jake’s standing there, watching him, rubbing his hands like a Bond villain, going, “ up, you fool. Little do you know, you’ve just given away everything...”

Esau looks up from his bowl and, with a mouthful, goes, “What?”

Jake shakes his head, suddenly innocent. “Nothing.”

Esau continues eating.

Jake starts rubbing his hands together again, going, “Yes...that’s right, gulp it down, you savage. In time, you’ll realise that...”

Esau looks up again. “What?”

“Nothing, man.”

He keeps eating.

Jake goes to rub his hands together a third time, but Esau looks over at him.

He stops, waits.

When Esau continues to stare, Jake sighs and walks out – motherfucker won’t even let him get off a good monologue.

Only when he’s gone does Esau resume shovelling food down his gullet.

“Moron,” he says, with a mouthful.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this episode, use the ‘share’ button below to let a friend know about it. Word of mouth is still the best way for The New Old Testament to find new readers. See you next time.