Genesis 14-18: King Of The Sodomites (Season 1, Episode 6)

What happens when Lot abandons Abraham to go live in Sodom? Orgies, mass circumcisions and multiple bloodbaths.

This is the latest episode in a serialised narrative. If jumping into things mid-way doesn’t bother you, ignore this and keep reading. If you like to start from the beginning, check out the archive here.


WARNING

If you are a creationist, evangelist, fundamentalist, or biblical literalist, this will probably offend you.

If you have any sense of propriety, this will probably offend you.

If you have the capacity to be offended, this will probably do the trick.

If you're okay with that, then read on.

If you want to read on just so you can tell me how terrible I am and that I should never write another word ever again, feel free.

Who knows? It might actually work.


When we last left off, Abe had vowed revenge against Lot for abandoning him.

See, Lot had gone to live among the cities of the plain (aka Sodom and Gomorrah), but Abe wasn’t about to let him off the hook.

Not by a long shot.

So, while everyone else is working, tending flocks, doing that whole thing, Abe’s out on a hill overlooking Sodom with a pair of binoculars. God comes up to him and he’s like, “What are you doing, man?”

Abe’s like, “Lot’s down there.”

God’s like, “Yeah I know. So what?”

“So...you know what goes on down there.”

“Yeah, I do,” God says. “That’s why I’m about to fucking nuke the place.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, man. Fire and brimstone. It’s gonna be a real show.”

“What about Lot?”

“What about him? He’s down there doing that shit with the rest of them. He’s gotta go. I didn’t know you were so fond of the kid.”

God lets it hang, dangling the bait.

“I’m not,” Abe says, getting defensive. “It’s just... I don’t know if he deserves to burn to death.”

God shrugs. “Maybe he won’t have to. There’s an army on its way, so maybe they’ll take care of it for me. I’ll wait and see how it plays out.”

Abe frowns. “What army?”

Turns out, the five kings of the plain had been ruled by this Elamite king, Chedorlaomer (who we’ll call Cheddar), for the past dozen years or so. Recently, they’d decided it was a good idea to rebel, and now Cheddar was on his way with a bunch of allies to kill the living shit out of everyone.

God pulls up a massage chair with beer coolers in the armrests, while Abe sits on the ground like a chump. Together, they watch as the army rides in and storms the city. The Sodomites flee in terror, but there are all these tar pits dotted around the plain, so a bunch of them fall in and slowly drown. The rest are either killed or taken prisoner.

Among those hauled off in chains is Lot, at least according to one survivor who comes stumbling into Abe’s camp later that day.

He’s missing both his arms, which makes it hard for him to gesture which way the army went after sacking the city, but by the time he bleeds out, Abe has assembled his own ragtag army and is setting off on a daring rescue mission.

They pass dozens of people caught in the tar pits, begging for help. They block it out, keep moving. They can’t waste time helping innocent civilians. After all, they’ve got a mission to accomplish. And besides, they could fall in themselves. Better just to ignore it.

Finally, Abe turns to one of the slowly-sinking people and says, “We’re going after King Cheddar. Did he come this way?”

“Pull me out and I’ll tell you.”

Abe frowns. “Tell me and I’ll pull you out.”

“As soon as I tell you, you’re gonna leave.”

“No, I won’t. Promise.” And he crosses his fingers behind his back.

“You’re crossing your fingers behind your back,” says the guy.

“No, I’m not, I’m just...scratching my back,” says Abe, and he pretends to do so. “Look, either you trust me or I go ask someone else and you die anyway.”

The guy mulls it over. “Fine. Yeah, he went this way. He was heading east.”

“Ha!” Abe shows him the crossed fingers, then moves on.

“Damn it!” says the guy, punching the tar. “Third time this week!”

That night, when King Cheddar’s men are fast asleep, Abe and his boys sneak into their camp and start slitting throats. They hang Cheddar and his allies from a tree branch and free all the Sodomite prisoners.

Lot is found and brought before Abe in Cheddar’s tent. He goes to his uncle and hugs him, thanks him for saving his life.

But Abe doesn’t say a word. Doesn’t return the hug.

Lot steps back, confused. He watches as Abe undoes his belt sash and drops his robe to the floor.

Lot’s confusion turns to horror. “What the fu....”

“Get on your hands and knees.”

“What?”

“Get on your fucking hands and knees!”

I’m going to stop right here for a minute, because it might seem like this rescue mission isn’t really a rescue mission at all.

And you’re right – it’s not.

See, unlike most rescue missions, the purpose of this one isn’t to save his nephew’s life, but more to prevent anyone else from killing him so Abe can have his revenge.

Namely, by sodomising him.

If it seems a little excessive, remember that Abe isn’t the guy we met at the start of this story. He isn’t mild-mannered Abram anymore. He’s been corrupted by God’s promise that he’d be the father of a great nation, and now he thinks that everything belongs to him.

So when Lot betrayed him and went down to live among the Sodomites, he took it personally. There only seemed to be one fitting punishment, and Lot’s just now realising what that punishment is. If you really think hard about it, it’s almost poetic.

Poetic in the way that only forced anal sex can be.

Keep in mind, Abe’s holding a sword and he has a few guards outside watching the door, so Lot doesn’t really have a choice in the matter. He gets down on his hands and knees and prays that it’ll all be over soon.

And it is.

It’s over really soon.

Abe doesn’t have any problems with premature ejaculation or anything like that – he just can’t seem to get it up. So, Lot sits there for a while on all fours while Abe tries to get something going, being like, “Come on, come on...”

Lot’s like, “Is everything...?”

“Be quiet!”

When a pep talk doesn’t work, Abe rifles through Cheddar’s things until he finds some porn – or what passes for porn in the ancient world – and just starts jacking it, hoping nature will kick in at some point.

But...it doesn’t.

Lot listens to his uncle quietly masturbating and tries to block it out, to think of something else. Eventually, he starts to get pins and needles, and politely asks if he can get up.

Abe sighs, frustrated, realising it isn’t going to happen.

Lot stands and puts his clothes back on, asking why Abe wanted to have sex with him in the first place. Is he gay, or what?

Abe’s like, “No, I’m not gay. I was asserting my dominance. Y’know, like in prison.”

“I don’t know, man...”

“I’m not fucking gay, alright.”

“Just seems like you could’ve done anything. Stabbed me, burned me, stoned me to death. But instead...you decided to have sex with me.”

“Okay, first of all, it’s not sex. It’s rape. And you left us to go live with the Sodomites. I thought there was some poetic justice in it.”

“Poetic?”

“You really have to think hard about it.”

Lot just stares at him. “You know, come to think of it, it was pretty poetic watching you try to get a hard-on.”

Abe lets out a sigh, all ashamed and defeated. “I guess I just wanted to teach you a lesson.”

Despite the attempted rape, Lot can’t help but take pity on the guy. “Look, I’m sorry I had to leave, but...you know why I did. I wanted to be my own man. I couldn’t do that while we were both living under the same roof.”

Abe, still naked and with a semi-flaccid penis in his hand, gives a weak smile and a nod like he’s finally accepting it.

Then, the second Lot leaves the tent, his smile vanishes, and Abe begins plotting his revenge.

Again.

Not only had Lot defied and abandoned him by going to live with the Sodomites, but now, he’d emasculated Abe by somehow making his dick not work.

And he’d get him back for that.

Oh, would he ever.

On the way back with all the prisoners and loot, Abe is met by the king of Sodom. The king asks if he would kindly return the prisoners and Abe tells him to kindly go fuck himself.

In fact, he can do more than that.

He can hand over his crown and get the fuck out of Sodom because there’s a new king in town, baby – and his name is motherfucking Abraham.

That’s right.

Abe is the new king of the Sodomites.

The old king’s about to say something to the effect of “You and what army?”, but then he sees that Abe does, in fact, have an army behind him, so the old king skulks off with his tail between his legs.

He’s so depressed that he doesn’t look where he’s going and he falls into one of those tar pits.

So, while the old king slowly drowns and all the prisoners return to their homes, Abe takes up residence in the royal palace.

Not too shabby, he thinks. Not too shabby at all.

He should probably send for his wife and servants, but there’s servants here. There’s also a harem.

Only one problem.

The harem is all dudes.

And they’re all smiling and eye-fucking him, like, “Are we doing this or what?”

Abe thinks to himself that it makes sense – Sodom is known for its liberal attitudes toward sexuality. Why wouldn’t the king have an all-male harem?

Abe just stands there, not sure what to do.

The encounter with Lot in the tent is still fresh in his mind and he’s starting to think, “Maybe I am gay. I did try to have sex with him, and I kinda wanna see how this plays out.”

And with his wife still back in the camp, he thinks, “Fuck it, why not?”

When in Rome.

Or...when in Sodom, I guess.

Eventually, he does have to bring Sarah into the city and introduce her to all his male concubines. Needless to say, she isn’t impressed. But he’s the king – what the fuck can she do?

So, while he spends more and more time in the harem, Sarah gets more and more pissed. She says that it’s humiliating, pretending to be married to a guy who’s very clearly gay. He tells her that she’s living in the past – she needs to be more progressive. He’s embracing his role as king of a liberal city – she should do the same.

So she does.

She goes down to where Lot is currently living, thinking that she’ll get back at her husband by fucking his nephew (and, technically, also her nephew, since she and Abe are brother and sister. Don’t worry – we’ll get to that. Maybe. If not, just know that Abe and Sarah are brother and sister. By this point in the story, that shouldn’t strike you as particularly strange).

When Sarah gets to Lot’s house, he’s passed out drunk. Not even noon and he’s passed out drunk.

She doesn’t know about the attempted rape, or how traumatic it was for the guy. She just assumes he’s a no-good drunk like apparently everyone else in this story. As she’s about to turn around and leave, she sees a woman chopping vegetables for dinner.

Sarah’s never really noticed Lot’s wife before, but right now, she’s looking pretty damn good. She thinks, “Fuck it, why not?”

When in Sodom.

So, a little later on, her and Lot’s wife (who we’ll call Edith) are in bed sharing a cigarette. Edith’s worried, thinking their husbands are going to be mad.

“Let them be mad,” Sarah says. “They don’t give a shit about us anyway.”

Edith figures she’s right, and pretty soon, she’s coming around to the palace for daytime sex romps in full view of everyone. At first, Abe doesn’t notice, being too preoccupied with his own daytime sex romps, but then one day he walks in and sees them together.

Needless to say, he flips out.

“What?” she says. “I’m just embracing my role as queen of a liberal city.”

Abe grits his teeth and says nothing. There’s nothing he can say. He’s about to grab a Gatorade and head back into the harem when Sarah decides to push it a little further.

“What are we gonna do about kids?” she says. “If you’re in there banging dudes all day and I’m out here pounding vadge, how are you supposed to become the father of a great nation?”

Abe stops. He hasn’t thought about it in a while. Too busy fucking and conquering to give it much consideration.

“I don’t know,” he says. “I guess I just assumed the big guy would figure it out.”

“Well, it doesn’t look like he is. I think we’re gonna have to figure this out for ourselves.”

“And how the hell are we gonna do that, huh? You’re barren. I’m gay...apparently.”

“What about Hagar?”

“What about her?”

“Why don’t you use her to have a kid?”

“Wouldn’t that be a little weird?”

“As weird as you having an all-male orgy and me out here scissoring my nephew’s wife?”

Abe thinks about it. “Good point.”

So Abe has Hagar brought up to his room that night and watches her disrobe. He can tell she’s trying to be sexy, but it does absolutely nothing for him. He closes his eyes and pictures one of his muscle-bound concubines until it’s all over.

Pretty soon, Hagar’s pregnant and she’s walking around like she owns the place. Sarah tells her to bring up some wine for her and Edith, and Hagar does it, but she’s got this look on her face like, “Yeah, bitch, I’m carrying Abe’s kid, not you.”

And Sarah isn’t about to just roll over and take that shit.

The old Sarah might have. But that chick is gone. Long gone.

In her place is the new, empowered, sexually-liberated Sarah.

And New Sarah don’t take no shit from nobody.

She grabs Hagar by the hair and yanks her head back, pressing a knife against her cheek. “If I see that look again, I’ll cut your fucking face off and feed it to you. See how high and mighty you are after that.”

Hagar says she’ll stop, and Sarah lets her go.

Nine months later, she gives birth to a boy, Ishmael, and this is probably as good a time as any to talk about circumcision.

See, shortly before Ishmael was born, God and Abe were having a beer, and Abe’s like, “So, when the fuck am I gonna take control of this land?”

“You mean Canaan?” God says.

“Yeah.”

“What, this city isn’t good enough for you?”

“You said I was gonna be the father of a great nation, not the king of some shithole.”

God’s like, “Sorry, I didn’t know you were having such a terrible time.”

Abe’s like, “I’m not, I just wanna know what’s going on.”

God drains his beer and gets another. “Look, it’s not as simple as I just give you the land, alright. I’ve got tenants in there at the moment, and what it basically comes down to is: their lease isn’t up yet.”

“Their lease?

“Yeah. Pretty soon it will be and I’ll be able to move you guys in. I tell you, it can’t come quick enough. Those Canaanites are fucking animals, man. Party all the time, kill each other. I can’t wait to get some nice, even-keeled tenants in.”

“That’s why you chose me, because I’m nice and even-keeled?”

“Pretty much.”

“You saw how I tried to rape my nephew?”

“Yeah, but we can sweep that one under the rug. We’ve all been there.”

“Have we?” Abe says. “Seems like a pretty specific thing.”

God shrugs and takes a sip.

Abe goes on, “Just out of curiosity, when is the lease up?”

God does a few calculations in his head. “About...600 years.”

Abe spits out the perfectly-timed mouthful he just took. “600 years?!

God’s acting like it’s no big deal. “Yeah, so what?”

So...I thought you said I was gonna be the father of a great nation.”

“You are. But you were never going to be, like, the king of Canaan or anything. You’ll be long dead by the time that happens.”

Abe can’t believe it. “Jesus Christ!”

God laughs. “Is that what you thought? You were going to be king of Canaan?”

“Yes!”

The laughter continues. God’s shaking his head, like, “This fucking moron...”

Abe can barely contain his anger. “Then what the fuck have we been doing this whole time?”

God relaxes, sips his beer. “Laying the groundwork.”

“Were you ever gonna tell me that?”

“I’m telling you now. Cheer up, big guy – at least be happy for your descendants.”

“Fuck my descendants.”

“You don’t mean that.” God waves a hand dismissively, like you would with a pouting teenager. He says, “Listen, I’ve been thinking...when you do move in, I’m gonna need a way to tell you guys apart from everyone else. Now, I had this idea...bear with me...I’m thinking that you guys could cut your foreskins off.”

Abe just stares at him, his anger turning to horror.

“I know it seems a little excessive, but...”

“A little excessive?”

“Dude, trust me – it’s cleaner, you’re dick’ll look bigger, you’ll be less likely to get an STD. There’s really no downside.”

“What about the part where we have to cut off the end of our dicks?”

“Yeah, well, that’s momentary. Think about it long-term. No pain, no gain.”

“Why can’t we just get a tattoo or something?”

God’s like, “Na, man, tattoos are lame. Just get it over with. You’ll be glad you did. Trust me.”

So Abe lines up all his slaves and even sends someone to go get Lot so his nephew can be a part of the bloodbath, too. Once everyone’s in attendance and stripped down to their bare ass, Abe goes along with a knife and just starts lopping off foreskins, one by one. The men scream and protest, begging him to spare their uncut hog. But he’s the king, so they just have to stand there and take it.

Abe’s like, “You think I wanna do this?” – as blood sprays all over his face – “Jesus Christ!” – as he holds a severed flap of skin – “Oh, gross, it’s so slippery and warm...” – as he comes to terms with the sheer barbarity of his situation – “Why, God, why?! Why are you doing this to us?!” – then, pleasantly intrigued – “Wow, never seen that before...” – and finally, confused and angry – “Why are you aroused? What part of this is arousing to you?!”

By the time Abe gets down to Lot, he’s covered in the blood of thirty-odd penises.

He removes Lot’s foreskin with a now-expert hand, and then goes to put the knife away, but Lot’s like, “What about you, man?”

Abe’s like, “What about me?”

“Aren’t you gonna circumcise yourself?”

“I already did.”

“Bullshit. Show me.”

“No, I’m not showing you my dick.”

But Lot doesn’t move. “I’m not leaving until I see a circumcised cock.”

Abe looks around the room and sees all eyes on him. They’re waiting, too. If they weren’t all bent over double or writhing on the floor, clutching their bleeding wangs, it might even be intimidating.

Abe sighs and whips out his decidedly-uncircumcised dick. Trembling from the pain, Lot’s snatches the knife from Abe’s hand and proceeds to take great pleasure in cutting off the king’s foreskin.

When Ishmael is born, Abe circumcises the kid himself. God comes down as he’s doing it and sees this kid, and he’s like, “Who the fuck is that?”

Abe’s like, “What? Ishmael? He’s my son.”

“How the fuck did you have a son? Your wife’s barren.”

“Yeah, I know. You kept telling me I was gonna be the father of a great nation, but my wife’s fucking barren, so what was I supposed to do? It was actually Sarah’s idea for me and Hagar to...y’know...”

“You had a baby with the slave girl?” God says, mortified.

“Yeah...why?”

“Jesus fucking Christ...”

God rubs his temples like he’s suddenly got a migraine and Abe goes, “What’s wrong? I found a way to have a kid. You certainly weren’t being any help.”

“You weren’t supposed to come up with a creative solution, you fuck. You were supposed to have faith.”

“Faith?”

“Yeah, y’know...faith. Where you trust that I’m gonna come through for you.”

“Dude, you told me I was never gonna get to live in this great nation that I’m supposed to be the father of. Then, you had me cut the end of my dick off. Forgive me if I’m running a little low on faith at the moment.”

God lets out a long sigh. These fucking humans...

Abe says, “What were you planning to do, anyway?”

“Obviously, I was gonna let Sarah get pregnant.”

Abe throws his hands up. “How is that obvious? You never told me that.”

“No, asshole. That’s where the faith part comes in, you impatient fucking prick.”

“Well, fuck...” Abe says. “So, what now? We just kind of...throw Ishmael in a river or what?”

God is horrified. “Jesus. No.”

“What, then?”

“Just...get your wife pregnant.”

Abe stops. His blood runs cold. A part of him wishes he had to drown the kid instead.

That night, he goes in to see Sarah.

They’re sharing separate beds by this point in the marriage and she’s reading a scroll before lights out. As you do.

She looks up at him when he enters, like, “What the fuck are you doing here?”, but he goes over and sits down beside her.

“Listen...” he says. “I might’ve fucked this whole thing up. Apparently, God meant that you’re the one who would have a son.”

Sarah lowers the scroll, surprised.

“How?” she says.

“I don’t know.”

“Jesus...why’s he gotta be so goddamn mysterious all the time?”

“You’re telling me.”

They stop, and look at each other for a moment.

Sarah’s like, “So...we gotta have sex then, I imagine?”

Abe nods. “Seems to be the case.”

“You sure you can stomach that?” she says, with a smile.

“I’ll try.”

He puts his hand on hers, thinking he’s saying all the right stuff, but judging by the look on Sarah’s face, whatever tender moment they were sharing is gone.

She blows out the candle and they get to work.

Meanwhile, up in heaven, Enoch’s packing a bong while God vents about his day.

“I mean, can you fucking believe that guy? After all the shit I’ve done for him.”

“It’s despicable,” Enoch says, and leans over to take a hit.

God looks at the dude and shakes his head. He’s surrounded by fucking assholes and he’s had just about enough of it.

So he goes down to see Abe and tells him that’s it, the deal’s off.

“Fuck do you mean the deal’s off?” Abe says, mid-way through an orgy with at least fifty other guys.

“I’m sick of this shit,” God says. “You don’t do what I tell you, you bitch, moan and complain. Add to that the fact that you’re clearly gay. You’re just not what I’m looking for in a patriarch.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” says Abe, as he continues to thrust away. “You’re gay.”

“I’m a lot of things,” God says. “But I keep my shit on the down low. You’re too open with it, man, and I can’t have a gay patriarch. It’s not what I’m going for here.”

“What are you going for?”

“You know....husband and wife, kids. The whole ‘nuclear family’-type deal.”

“The what?”

“Never mind, just...look, I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

He goes to leave, but Abe’s like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it. What’s gonna happen now?”

“I gotta find a new patriarch. Might go ask Lot if he’s interested.”

Abe’s eyes bulge with anger at the thought. “What about Sarah? She’s fucking pregnant with the kid you forced me to put inside her.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m gonna destroy the city.”

What?

“Yeah...remember that whole fire-and-brimstone thing I was telling you about.” He pauses. “That.”

God goes to leave again, but Abe says, “Wait, wait, wait...”, and with some difficulty, removes himself from the orgy. Up until this point, he’d been balls-deep in some guy and now he stands fully-naked before God, pleading for his life.

“Dude, please don’t fucking kill me. I’ll do anything. What do you want, huh? You don’t want me to be gay? Done. I’m not gay anymore.”

“You can’t just switch it off...”

“Yes, I can. I just did.”

“Look, even if I did believe you, it’s not just that. You’re a power-hungry maniac. Not to mention this city’s a fucking rat’s nest of crime and violence and all kinds of evil shit. It’s gotta go, man. And so do you.”

“What if I get rid of all that?” says Abe, growing more and more desperate by the second. “Look, I’ll start with these guys.”

He takes the guy he was just fucking and cuts his throat, drags the body over to God and dumps it at his feet. God has to step backwards to avoid the widening pool of blood.

“See?” says Abe. “Now will you let me live?”

“That doesn’t prove you’re not gay anymore.”

“Sure it does. And it proves that I’m gonna clean up this city. Get rid of all these goddamn queers. Come here, you.”

He takes another guy, cuts his throat, and throws him on top of the first.

God sighs. “Dude...”

“No, wait. How many’s it gonna take? Will you let me live if I kill five of these guys.”

“No.”

“How about ten?” he says, cutting another few throats.

“No.”

“How about twenty? Will you let me live if I kill twenty of these guys?”

And so it goes, until every single one of Abe’s concubines is stacked up in a huge, gruesome pile in front of God.

Exhausted, covered in blood, Abe says, “How about fifty? Will you let me live now?”

God’s just standing there, staring at him. He should be horrified, but he’s seen enough of what humans are willing to do to each other that he’s just kind of speechless. He goes to say something, then thinks better of it. He turns around and leaves.

Standing beside his pile of corpses, Abe calls after him, “Was that a yes?”


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