Genesis 1-3: Snake Party (Season 1, Episode 1)
What happens when God has a few beers and decides to create the earth? At first, nothing. Everything’s going pretty well. But when God decides to create people, that’s when things start to unravel.
|Jay Willem||Sep 19, 2019|| 7|
If you are a creationist, evangelist, fundamentalist, or biblical literalist, this will probably offend you.
If you have any sense of propriety, this will probably offend you.
If you have the capacity to be offended, this will probably do the trick.
If you’re okay with that, then read on.
If you want to read on just so you can tell me how terrible I am and that I should never write another word ever again, feel free.
Who knows? It might actually work.
God wakes up face-down in a puddle.
He’d started breathing in water and now he’s coughing and spluttering, trying to get it out of his lungs.
It takes him a minute to get his breath back and when he does, he looks around.
The place is empty. The angels are gone.
He can’t really blame them.
They were just finishing up a three-day bender and things had started to get out of hand. Raphael had a habit of getting jealous when he did coke, and on this occasion, he’d accused Gabe of sleeping with his wife, so of course now the whole place is trashed.
God rubs his face. Slowly, it’s coming back to him.
Everyone left, except Raph. His wife told him not to bother coming home, so he was crashing on God’s couch for the night.
God tucked him in, then came outside for a cigarette and that was the last thing he remembered. Must’ve tripped on something.
Or maybe it was just three days worth of self-abuse taking its toll.
Whatever happened, there’s a puddle right next to his head and he’s just lying there, staring at it.
It’s still dark, so he calls out, “Lights,” and these voice-activated floodlights come on, but they’re pointed straight at him so they just about burn his retinas off.
Once he recovers from the temporary blindness, he can see that the light is good.
For a moment, he stares up at the sky, thinking, “What the hell am I doing with my life?” Slowly, an idea begins to form. He sits up, looks around the backyard. He spies a cut-up McDonald’s straw that he’s pretty sure Raph was using to snort coke off the patio table.
He shakes his head. Fuckin’ animal.
Regardless, he picks it up and sucks out any remaining powder. Not enough for a proper hit, but enough to get him thinking straight.
He pokes the straw into the puddle and blows. But instead of it bubbling up like a kid with a milkshake, a single, solid bubble appears at the centre of the water. Like something you might see a glassblower do.
Within that bubble, he creates the Earth.
Takes him about a week, but when he’s done, he sits back and goes, “Shit, that looks pretty good.” Puts his feet up on the Saturday and has a beer.
I know you’re thinking, “Hold up…didn’t he chill out on the Sunday?”
I’m getting to that part.
We need to assume he took a few breaks along the way. He’s not exactly in the best shape and this is the planet Earth he’s putting together here. You ever tried to assemble some shit you got at Ikea?
So God’s kicking back on Saturday, watching the game. And by ‘game’, I mean the way that hunters use it, seeing as how he hasn’t made any people yet.
So he’s getting bored, y’know? Fidgety.
There’s only so many lions and tigers and bears you can starve for a couple days, and then sick on each other before it starts to get a little old. Only so many beers you can drink by yourself before you start to feel a little pathetic.
And this guy isn’t pathetic.
He just created the fucking heavens and the earth, didn’t he? Separated the night from the day, the sky from the earth, the land from the water. And he saw that it was good.
Shit, it was better than good. It was the shit.
So he gets up. Steadies himself. Gets that feeling like when you been sitting down drinking for too long and you’re not even really getting a good buzz on, then you get up to take a piss and suddenly it all hits you and you’re like, “Holy shit…”
He stands there teetering for a bit, then he goes and pours himself a cup of coffee and gets to work. Gets serious. No more messing around.
Also, he’s starting to get a little bit lonely. A bit stir crazy. Raph spends all day drinking, playing Xbox. God needs someone to bounce his business ideas off of. Someone like him.
So finally, he goes, “Fuck it”, and starts forming a guy out of dust.
Keep in mind he’s still pretty hammered at this point, so he totally fucks it up. Like a painter who does wicked landscapes but then tries his hand at a self-portrait and it comes out looking like Quasimodo or some shit. Like that.
Ends up so bad he can’t even look at the guy. Doesn’t have the stomach to put him out of his misery, though. Thinks about it. Can’t do it.
So about the place they’re going to be tearing down a statue of Saddam Hussein in a few thousand years, God builds the guy a garden. Goes all out. Landscaping, water features – the whole nine yards. Tells the guy, “You live here now. Enjoy.”
He shows the guy all the plants he can eat and the animals he can be friends with. Tells the guy to name them whatever he wants. Just don’t fuck any of them.
“Why not?” says the guy.
“Just don’t do it and we won’t have a problem.”
Then he goes back up to heaven and decides he’s going to try again. Only this time, he’s going to do it right.
So he sleeps it off, wakes up recharged next morning ready to go. Gets a workout in, protein shake – he’s fucking jacked. About to start on Humanity 2.0 when he sees the ugly bastard crying in the garden down below.
He’s lonely too.
Of course he fucking is.
God gives him life and what does he do about it? Starts crying like a little bitch.
He tries to block it out, but the guy’s really bawling. He’s got, like, that heavy sob going on – it’s embarrassing. Finally, God’s like, “Fuck, fine, I’m coming.”
So he goes down and sees the guy crouched next to the carcass of a lion, just tearing out chunks of meat and eating them raw.
Horrified by the scene, God doubles over and retches.
The guy turns around covered in blood and he’s like, “What?”
God coughs and spits out the remaining bile, then he’s like, “Fuck do you mean, ‘what?’ You killed a fucking lion. Now you’re eating it.”
“So?” Chewing a mouthful of raw meat while he says it.
“You didn’t say not to eat them.”
“I didn’t think I had to. They were supposed to be your friends, y’know? Keep you company and shit.”
“Oh…” The guy looks down at the mutilated carcass. “Sorry.”
“Well, fuck…” Then God remembers. “Wait, weren’t you crying just a second ago?”
“Yeah, I tried eating those plants like you said. But they were so bland, I just started bawling. Then I saw this lion drinking at the waterhole and something inside me was like, “You need to kill that.” So I did.”
He tears off another chunk with his teeth. God shields his eyes like he just walked in on his parents making sweet love.
“Will you stop doing that in front of me?”
He realises animals aren’t going to cut it as companions, so instead, he goes, “Fine, I’ll spend a little father-son time with the guy. Couldn’t hurt, right?”
First thing they do is play cribbage with a deck of naked ladies and the guy fucking wins. You believe that? So God’s like, “Fuck this”, and he knocks the guy out.
King hit to the side of the head. Guy goes down.
No way he’s hanging out with someone who’s better than him at cribbage. Cribbage is his fucking thing, man. Not to mention the guy’s got a bigger dick than him. He might be ugly, but that’s a nice-looking dick.
Why did he make the guy’s dick bigger than his?
He’s standing there, staring at the guy’s dick, when it occurs to him he’s standing there, staring at the guy’s dick.
“What the fuck am I doing?” he thinks, and snaps out of it.
But if he’s not going to keep the guy company, someone has to. He sees one of the playing cards, the Queen in a slutty nurse outfit, and has a bright idea.
So, naturally, his next move is to take out a knife and cut the guy’s ribcage open and break off one of his ribs.
He then takes that rib and fashions it into a woman.
Picture the scene in Ghost where Demi and Swayze are sculpting clay on the wheel. So like that, but without the romance and a lot more blood.
You’d think he could’ve just made her the same way he made the guy – out of dust – but apparently not. Apparently, he had to perform surgery with a fucking switch-blade.
So God and the woman are standing there, right? Waiting for the guy to come to. She’s totally nude and he’s there in his robe trying to tuck his boner up into his belt sash. Robes are the worst for that, I’m telling you.
Eventually, she notices. Raises an eyebrow.
When the guy wakes up, her and God are sitting against a tree sharing a cigarette and he asks what the fuck happened.
God’s like, “You passed out, man. Must’ve drank too much.”
The guy didn’t even know they were drinking, but when he looks over, he sees all the empty bottles God scattered around to make it look like they were. He scratches his head.
“Who’s this?” he says. Talking about the woman now.
“This is, uh…”
God takes a drag to buy himself some time. The woman shoots daggers at him.
She smiles at the guy, extends her hand for him to pull her up. She says, “I’m Eve.” When he doesn’t give her his name in return, she says, “What’s your name?”
The guy doesn’t know. He looks at God but gets met with a shrug.
“Adam?” God just kind of throws it out there, testing it. The guy doesn’t seem to mind. Eve doesn’t either.
“You wanna get out of here?” she says.
He does, and they do.
God’s left sitting there like a chump, smoking a cigarette and he’s supposed to be quitting. Hasn’t had a cigarette in a week and here he is having one.
“Nothing like a woman to make you take up smoking again, am I right?”
Then he realises no one’s around to hear his sweet burn, so flicks the cigarette away into some dry leaves and goes back up to heaven.
So he’s up there pacing, right? Talking to himself. Listening to Adam and Eve fuck each other’s brains out while he’s six beers down and an equal number of cigarettes left in the pack. What’s he supposed to do, jerk off?
It’s a Saturday night and he’s there watching Ren and Stimpy like a fucking six-year-old while they’re down there having the time of their lives. No, fuck that.
He’s not exactly in the best frame of mind at this point – a little Dutch courage under his belt and blue balls the size of Wyoming.
So what does he do? He makes another person.
Cleans off the knife and cuts out one of his own fucking ribs, if you can believe it. So, yeah, he’s pretty desperate by this point.
What he’s going for is something like Eve, but he was sober when he made Eve.
What he ends up with is some Frankenstein-looking monstrosity. He knocks back a few shots of Johnny Walker Blue and goes to town.
Rolls over next morning with his head split in two like a piece of firewood and jumps back in horror. Almost falls right out of the bed.
She asks what’s wrong, he says, “Nothing, nothing. You’re beautiful.”
So now she’s looking like she wants to go again and he’s thinking, “Why the fuck do I have to be so goddamn charming all the time?” And as she’s crawling over to him, he panics and accidentally turns her into a snake.
So no longer does he have to face the prospect of sober relations with this woman, but now he’s got a fucking snake in his bed.
And he hates fucking snakes.
So he flips out again, and this time he actually does fall down onto the floor. In a panic, he gathers up all the sheets with the snake inside and throws them down into the garden with Adam and Eve.
Crisis averted, he thinks.
But now the hangover’s starting to kick in, so he puts a frozen pizza in the oven and sits down on the couch to watch the Friends marathon. That fucking Chandler cracks him up.
See? I told you he chills out on the Sunday.
Meanwhile, down below, shit’s about to hit the fan.
Adam and Eve are just finishing up for the night and they’re both feeling pretty good about themselves. Adam needs to piss, so off he goes, and Eve just sits there with the sun rising, pulling back on a Marlboro Red.
It isn’t long before a snake slithers by, going, “That fucking asssssssshole.” Tongue flicking around all over the place.
Eve raises an eyebrow. She says, “Who?”
The snake stops, looks at her. Gestures upward with her head. “Him.”
Eve realises who she’s talking about. “Yeah, he’s an asshole, alright. Though he did make me and Adam, so I can’t really complain. What’d he do to you?”
“Turned me into a snake.”
The snake slithers over to her. “You have a fun night?”
Eve smiles. “Oh, yeah.”
“Man…the first and last night I had a chance to fuck something, I get Beardy McFuckface sweating all over me.”
“Yeah, he’s not great.”
“You fucked him too?”
Eve nods, not happy about it. “Yeah. I get the feeling he makes things just so he can fuck them.”
“Did he fuck Adam?”
“Not that I’m aware of, but he’s been around longer than me, so who knows? And hey, I’m sure you can still get laid. I don’t know how snakes do it, but…”
The snake rubbed her chin thoughtfully with the tip of her tail. “Yeah, I’m not sure. My intuition is to, like, wrap tails with some dude snake and then he kind of jabs his little snake penis into this thing that doubles as my vagina and asshole.”
“Yeah, I’m really looking forward to it.”
The snake eyes Eve up and down. Likes the look of her. “Although…maybe I don’t have to go looking for another snake just yet.”
It takes Eve a moment to catch on. “Oh, really?”
“If you’re interested.”
Eve looks around to see if Adam’s coming back. Coast is clear. But still…
“We’re not supposed to…”
Eve’s thinking about it. “But how would that even work?”
“How do you think?”
And that’s basically how Adam comes back around the corner to find Eve looking like she’s giving birth to some tentacled mutant hell-spawn. He immediately flips out and runs back into the bush, too scared to realise those weren’t screams of pain she was making back there.
When Eve and the snake are done, they sit there sharing a cigarette. The snake’s curled over her shoulder like a feather boa, only without the feathers. Eve holds the cigarette to its mouth as it takes a drag.
“Damn, that’ssssssssssss good.”
“Very good,” says Eve. “I had no idea you were so…flexible.”
“Oh, I can get around.”
“You certainly can.”
Meanwhile, Adam’s off in the foetal position going, “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. What the fuck was that? Was that my kid? How the fuck does that even...? Jesus Christ, now I’m gonna have to take care of it…”
He calls out to God and the big guy comes down, holding his head, like, “Dude, I’m so fucking hungover right now, I can’t even…”
“I just saw the craziest fucking shit I’ve ever seen in my life!”
“What, all twenty-four hours of it?”
“Yeah, it was messed up.”
“What the fuck happened?”
“I saw Eve giving birth.”
“I saw her giving birth. Just now, by the tree over there. I was coming back from taking a piss and there she was with this…thing coming out of her.”
“Oh, it was horrible. Is that how it works? All night, everything’s good, then the sun comes up and everything just turns to shit.”
“Well, generally that’s been my experience, but…what the fuck are you talking about? She shouldn’t be giving birth yet. That should be like…” He checks his watch. “…like 8 months and 29 days away.”
“Then what the fuck was it?”
They go back to find Eve bathing in the pool beneath the waterfall. The snake’s long gone by this point.
God’s like, “So where’s the kid?”
Adam’s lost for words. He can’t put it together. “I don’t…she was right over there…”
“Hey, boys.” Eve’s coming out of the water now, dripping wet.
God and Adam just stare for a minute.
She stares back. “You good?”
God snaps out of it. “No, we’re not good. You mind telling me what the fuck happened to shake this guy up so much?”
She looks at Adam, frowns. “What? You mean the thing where I…” She extends her index finger. “I thought you liked that.”
God looks at him like, “Really?”
Eve looks at God like, “Oh, please – like you didn’t love it.”
The big guy’s got nothing to come back with, so Adam says, “Not that. When I was coming back earlier, I saw you…”
“Saw me what?” Eve’s heart racing now.
“Giving birth to that…thing.”
“That long, tentacled, alien-looking motherfucker. Freaked me the fuck out. Is that what our kids are gonna look like?”
God’s like, “They shouldn’t.”
“Then what the hell was it?”
“I don’t know, Adam. Maybe you were seeing things.”
She goes over and picks up this bikini she somehow had the time to make out of fig leaves and pulls it on. God and Adam are looking at her like, “What the fuck?”
“What?” she says.
God narrows his eyes. “What are you doing?”
“I’m putting some clothes on. Here, Adam, I made you something too.”
She tosses him a loincloth.
He says, “What the fuck is this?”
“It’s to cover yourself up.”
Now God’s really getting suspicious. “Since when do you feel the need to cover up?”
“Since this morning, I guess. Just feels like the right thing to do. I don’t know.”
Then it all hits him. Everything falls into place.
“Why do you think I told you not to fuck the animals? That was literally the one thing I told you you couldn’t do.”
Eve’s silent. Adam’s like, “You fucked an animal?”
“Yes, she did.”
“What kind of animal?”
The big guy’s like, “It was a snake, wasn’t it?”
Nothing from Eve, but God has his answer. Shakes his head.
“That jealous bitch. I didn’t mean to turn her into a snake, she just…freaked me out. I don’t know what happened. Now she comes down here, messing with you guys....”
Adam’s thoroughly confused now if he wasn’t before. “What the fuck are you guys talking about?”
“Alright, yes,” says Eve, “I fucked the snake. So what?”
“So what?” God’s eyes are bulging in his head. “That was the only thing I told you not to do.”
“Yeah, but that’s like telling a kid you can play with all these toys, but not that one. Which one you think she’s gonna wanna play with?”
“Newsflash: it doesn’t matter what you want. I built you this entire fucking world and I give you one simple rule to follow – one – and you can’t even do that.”
“But the rule makes no sense. So what if it’s a snake?”
“It’s a fucking snake.”
Adam’s like, “I’m gonna have to agree with him there. That’s kinda fucked up.”
“Yeah, but why is it fucked up? Because you guys say so? Or because it was a female snake?”
God’s like, “Oh, don’t start with that…”
“No, I just don’t think you like the idea of me getting pleasure from something that isn’t a dick.”
A moment of silence.
“It’s...kind of like a dick.” Adam piping up quietly there.
Eve ignores him, goes, “Let me tell you something – she did things to me that blew my fucking mind. She was better than both you guys put together.”
“Now, hold on a minute…”
“Why should I have to suppress my innermost desires because there’s something about it you find uncomfortable? You know what, fuck this, I’m fucking outta here.”
And with that, she turns and storms off.
God almost can’t believe it. He says, “Fine, go then. Me and A-Rod will be better off without you anyway.” He puts his arm around the guy. “I’ll whip us up a few ladies, we’ll booze, it’ll be great.”
Then Adam steps away, like, “Yeah… I’m gonna go with her.”
“I love her.”
“Even after what she did to you.”
“She was just exploring her sexuality, man. I think that’s healthy.”
“Oh, Jesus, not you too.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong with it. You guys just go on and fuck whatever the hell you want.”
Adam’s eyes light up. He grins from ear to ear, missing the sarcasm by a mile. He says, “Really? Wow, thanks, man.” And he takes off after Eve at a run.
Now God’s standing there all alone, and he lets out a sigh. “Goddamn it.”
Then he hears someone laughing. He turns to see the snake curled around a tree branch, watching the whole thing. Having a great old time.
“Oh, fuck you,” he says. And he storms off.
Goes back up to heaven and kicks Raph awake and tells him they’re getting wasted. Raph’s like, “I don’t know man, I should probably get home.”
God’s like, “Dude, I let you crash on my couch all week. You fucking owe me.”
Raph’s like, “Alright, you twisted my arm. Where’s the coke?”
And they proceed to get well and truly fucked. Like, proper fucked.
In the course of the evening, God tells Raph the whole story. Says he’s sick of just aimless partying – he needed a project or a hobby or something. Now, these little play things he made to do what he told them aren’t doing what they’re told.
Furiously chopping the coke into lines on the coffee table, Raph says, “You gotta punish ‘em.”
God’s like, “You think?”
Raph’s like, “Yeah, man. You gotta lay down the law.”
God’s thinking, “Man, this guy’s wife is one lucky lady,” but also that he might have a point.
Raph snorts a line off the glass. “Also, now that they know they can disobey you, if they eat from the Tree of Life, you’re fucked.”
God sits bolt upright, panicking. “Shit, I hadn’t even thought about that.”
When he was landscaping the garden, for some reason God planted a fruit tree that gave people immortality. Guess he thought that as long as people were doing what he wanted, it didn’t matter if they lived forever. But now that they know about free will, it’s time to leash those motherfuckers.
It’s really making him start to reconsider this whole ‘free will’ thing.
Raph takes a drag on his cigarette and says, “They’d become like, the same as you. Only the opposite.” Then he thinks. “What’s the opposite of you?”
God’s like, “I don’t know. And I don’t wanna find out.”
So while Raph presses play on The Departed, planning to drink every time someone drops their r’s, God grabs an axe from the shed and goes back down to earth.
What he finds there almost causes him to throw up again, and not from the dozen or so beers he had previously.
Eve on one side, Adam on the other, and the snake in between. All three of them having a great old time and God’s just standing behind a tree like, “What the fuck am I looking at?”
For a moment, he just stares. Can’t look away.
Then he marches up and yells, “Hey!”
They all panic when they see God coming up with an axe like something out of The Shining. The humans scramble to put on clothes and the snake slithers off into the bush.
“What the fuck is this?”
Not a word.
But Adam won’t meet his eye.
“I thought we were bros.”
“We were,” Adam says. “Are. I don’t know, she tricked me…”
Hands on her hips, Eve’s like, “I didn’t trick you into anything. You were more than willing.”
Adam can’t argue with her.
God lets out a long sigh and tells them he’s had it – they’re out of here.
When they ask why, he says, “You kill and eat and fuck these adorable animals who were supposed to be your friends, even when I explicitly forbid it. What choice do I have?”
Adam counters with the fact that God didn’t actually tell them they couldn’t kill and eat the animals, and God concedes that he might have been a bit vague on the rules, but just to be clear, from here on out, you can’t kill and eat the fucking animals.
“And you definitely aren’t allowed to fuck them. Jesus Christ, I just came to chop down the Tree of Life, but after this, I’m fucking done with you. Hit the bricks.”
Eve’s thinking, “Fuck, I knew we should’ve eaten from the Tree of Life,” but instead she says, “Where are we supposed to go?”
God says he doesn’t give a shit, just as long as they’re not here.
So off they go, heading east.
In a jealous rage, God sets this giant, half-human, half-lion, Sphinx-looking motherfucker with a flaming sword out the front gates to the garden.
Adam and Eve are vanishing into the distance now. He drunkenly calls after them, “And don’t even think about coming back! You come back, this guy’ll chop you in half like a cantaloupe.”
But they can’t hear him. He’s shouting to himself.
He turns back to see the giant looking at him. “What?”
The giant averts his gaze like a good dog. “Nothin’, boss. Nothin’.”
“Goddamn right nothin’. Christ, I need a drink.”
He goes back up to tell Raph, expecting sympathy, but Raph – with pupils the size of small muffins, having achieved a state of Zen-like clarity – simply shrugs and says, “You made ‘em in your image, man. What’d you expect?”
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